If I were to get married this Friday...

1. I'd be missing the most precious Christmas with my roommates ever.

2. I wouldn't have gotten to spend all of Sunday decorating the tree and having roommate Thanksgiving.

3. I would be sleeping in a bedroom with colors I hate.

4. I wouldn't get to spend Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day with my family.

5. I wouldn't feel this relaxed right now.

6. I would be stressing over so many things: how on earth are we going to go on a honeymoon? did he pay rent? does he actually have a job to come back to? when is he going to leave me?

7. I would be in very real danger of bringing a child into a life that would most likely include a single mother.

8. I would miss out on what actually IS God's best... a man that will actually love me, not just be content with the knowledge that I'm around somewhere when he's bored, needs transportation, someone to blame things on, someone to pay for things, etc.

Joey was right. There's a difference between Mr. Right and Mr. Close Enough. I was so incredibly deceived into thinking that he was Mr. Right when he was actually neither.

Ric said that he wouldn't approve of any boyfriend I brought home untiil I found one that loves me like he loves Tina. I'm really bored with men talking about marriage. 9 proposals, 3 broken engagements, 1 purchased and returned wedding dress...

Whoever you are, don't you dare ask me to marry you or even bring up the "M" word until you've talked to God, my Daddy and Ric and bought a ring. Otherwise I'm going to assume that you're just blowing sunshine up an orifice that ladies simply don't mention.

If I had a million dollars I'd be asleep rather than doing laundry.

It's 2:05 a.m. on a work night and I have to get up in three hours. Why am I awake? Apparently I'm awake because LAUNDRY NEEDS TO BE DONE.

I went to bed fairly early for me - a little after ten, just enough to give me 6 1/2 hours of sleep. But there was this book. And since there was a book, and since books are for reading, I read it.

No problem. Midnight. Still enough for 5 hours of sleep. Then I started praying. You see, I'm getting a little nervous about this whole A getting married thing. I love A, I think D is fabulous, and I think A+D is a wonderful idea and am terribly happy for them. But it means that I lose a roommate that I adore. I feel left behind. But God and I are dealing with that. So a few shed tears and a prayer later and I'm ok.

Then, the age old question, "What would I do if I won $1,000,000?" pops into my head. (After taxes of course, since the math would just be too confusing to take taxes out in day dreams. And of course, it was NOT won by playing the lottery.) I don't know why this popped into my head; it simply did. (One modestly sized three bedroom home that is beautifully decorated with a fenced in back yard for Harvey and Genevieve (my two boxers) and a little Maltese named after a princess that I'll keep inside. A brand new Toyota because they last forever. A new computer that lets me hold it on my lap without the little arrow thingy becoming possessed and moving around of its own volition. Cooking classes. No debt.)

Then, CMI (Current Male Interest) pops into my head. Well, now I've had it. My new strategy is this: CMI pops into my head, I pray, "Lord, bless him and help me not think of him at all." You see, I'm simply not good enough for someone like CMI. Not that he's perfect, because he's not. But there is simply too much in me that needs to be fixed and he does NOT need a fixer upper. Not to mention that the man is just too cute for words and although I'm not bad to look at there is quite a bit of padding that needs to be removed.

Lord, bless him and help me not think of him at all.

So, thoughts of CMI were replaced by thoughts of LAUNDRY and suddenly any attempt at sleep seems like a pointless endeavor. So here I am, 2:22 in the morning, typing a blog, drinking Sleep Time Tea in vain hopes that it may do some good, and listening to the sound of the washer.

Oh, and you will all be proud to know that I have not baked ANYTHING for CMI at all. My other new strategy is the Do Nothing Approach.

DOH.

Lord, bless him and help me not think of him at all.

The short version

Joey cancelled the wedding two weeks ago. He didn't just cancel the wedding - he cancelled us.
So I cut my hair. A lot.
All the vendors, venues, and dresses were handled in 2 business days.
I was so angry. Angry first with him, then not angry with him but angry with God.
First I said, "I'm done. I don't have the energy to ever do this again." Then I begged God to put it back together. Now I'm not talking to God about whether or not there wil be a Joey and me in the future. I'm talking to him about other things.
I broke down once or twice. Or fifty times.
I slept in his tshirt and came home from work to put on his sweatshirt. Now I want them both out of my house.

It's no longer appropriate to answer yes to this question, but I wasn't thinking of that when I asked myself today if I still love him. There wasn't an answer.

How am I? Today I'm ok. Yesterday and the day before I was ok. Tomorrow I hope I'm a little more ok that I am now.