I'm thirsty.

October flew by and November is more than half over. Can you believe it? Less than a week until Thanksgiving! I feel so unprepared this year. I've been engaged for 2 months now, I spent a week in Disney with the family, I've booked a caterer, a baker, a photographer, the church, the reception venue, decided on the florist (tentatively,) spent a little time with the Roommates (minus my RJo,) and last night I got to bring home my wedding dress, which was a whole size smaller than the one I originally ordered! For the most part the past month has been awesome.

But then there's the couple of things that have not been awesome. There's a situation in my family that is currently tearing some of us apart and breaking all of our hearts. Two people that I love very much may be ending their marriage and I'm devastated. Some days I just cry until my head hurts or I fall asleep. Sometimes I am just so angry with the selfishness that is guiding their choices that I want to shake them. Other times I pray for God to just suspend free will for a little bit and just MAKE THEM do what they're supposed to do. I know that God can heal their marriage. I know that He wants to restore their love for each other. But even though I know it, I feel this dread that the decision is already made, that they've already divorced each other in their hearts and minds, and I feel so crushed. I don't feel the victory that can be won.

I know that this inability to feel victory and the dread that I feel are my fault. I've not prayed enough. I've not spent enough time on my knees and in the Word for these two. I've not spent the time in prayer I've needed to period. When I've been away from prayer and my Bible and then come back to it, it is literally like taking a long, slow drink from a spring after a drought. And yet I've put off the drink that's available to me and have been content to remain thirsty.

Victory. Peace. Joy. Contentment. Abundance. Love. That is what I want them to know and experience. Not abundance of possessions... they already have that. I want the rest of their cup to overflow. I want mine to as well.

I need a me and God day.

Hey y'all, let's play catch up!

So, I haven't blogged in a long time. Which means there's a whole lot that I need to catch you up on. Let's go with a time line.
June 16, 2010: Devin and I go on our first date. It goes VERY well.
June 17, 2010: Devin and I decide that we are going to be intentional about getting to know each other, and agree to not see anyone else until we see where things go with us.
Fast forward a bit....
September 18, 2010: Devin proposes! I'm engaged!
April 9, 2011: Wedding day!

So now I've been engaged for a little more than a month and we're smack dab in the middle of planning a wedding. We've done pretty well so far... I really want to get everything done early so that we are not stressing out about details in the last month. And honestly, that whole cancelled wedding from last year has made things somewhat easier since I already know some of the vendors I want and some that I definitely DON'T want.
Here's what we've got so far:
1. Dress: Got it 2 days after he proposed.
2. Invitations: Came in 2 weeks ago.
3. Church: Booked.
4. Reception venue: Booked.
5. Cake: Ordered! SO SO SO excited!! Got the most amazing cake EVER from Signature Cakes (www.signaturecakesbyvicki.com.) I told Vicki different things that I like, and then just told her to do what she wanted. Just wait until you taste it.
6. Photographer: Booked. Again, SO excited. I didn't even have to look around, think about who I wanted, meet with anyone, etc. Sarah Timmons of Spectra Designs (www.spectradezigns.com) will be doing my pictures. When I started my original search, I found Sarah on The Knot and fell in love with her style. She was the only photographer I contacted outside of the bridal fair I went to and she was the only one I wanted.
7. Registry: Done.


So happy. Devin is absolutely wonderful and I can't wait for the rest of our lives to get started.

absent

There have been a lot of changes in the past year. Wedding cancelled, roommate got married, moved to a new apartment with a new roommate and a new dog. I have a new niece and a (fairly) new boyfriend that has taken me to look at rings and encouraged me to look at dresses. The change I didn't expect was the absence of my closest friends. The texts and calls are less and less frequent, and suddenly it's been over a month since I've seen or had a real conversation with people I used to see almost daily. There's been a lot of time alone and a lot of counting days until I see Devin. (3 more, by the way.) Even the friends I do see frequently keep cancelling on me. Tina mentioned the other night that I should have more friends because I'm a such a nice person and good friend. I just feel so inadequate next to others... and the ones that didn't make me feel inadequate have disappeared. Lives are busy. Just wish I wasn't so easily cut from the priority list.

And I really wish that Devin lived here. I'm so ready for us to be able to do normal, every day things together. Errands, meeting for dinner after work before we head to our respective homes, etc. This Devin-living-far-away thing is something I'm ready to be done with.

I'm just ready for people I love to stop being absent from my life.

First date number 864 went...

VERY well.

Coffee (new coffee shop, quite good,) Splice (quite strange, but minus 3 parts, quite good,)Marina's (always wonderful,) and a few hours around City Plaza, the Square and Cannonsburg, (company VERY good.)

He's very nice. We shall call him D for the purposes of semi-anonymity. None of the nerves that I typically have on a first date. It was so easy to relax around him and we talked for hours.

He lives a couple of hours away (I broke my rule,) and we decided that we want to give this a real chance, so we've decided not to pursue anything with anyone else until we see how things go with us.

First date #864

Coming next week. Stay tuned.

<-----------------------------X----------------------O--->

DANGER! DANGER! You are quickly moving in the direction that causes panic. Please move toward the X.


Thank you.

First date number 863.

He was nice.

Sent my mom this message: It went well. He wore a tie and brought flowers.

My mom responded: Let's hope the relationship last longer than the flowers this time!

Touche, Mom. Touche.

...and that makes 33.

Today's my birthday. Whoo freaking hoo.
(Before you read any further, I must tell you that the girls and celebrated Friday night and it was fantastic. Dad took me to lunch today. Roomie hung signs and bought ice cream. The PU's (parental units) are taking me to Maggiano's Saturday. I am loved by my friends and family and I love them and enjoy them.)

I'm 33.
I still live in an apartment.
I have a roommate.
My job is nowhere near my dream job (although my company is wonderful.)
I'm still single.
I'm not seeing anyone.

I'm either a sad joke or the sterotypical beginning to a chick lit novel (minus long flowing hair, which I chopped after yet another failed relationship.)

Stop rolling your eyes. It may sound self pitying, but it hurts. I feel like I'm not accomplishing anything and that I'm simply taking up space that would be better filled by someone who would only take up half of it. I love my friends, and I love my amazingly intelligent dog, but I spend so much of my time feeling isolated and I'm not really sure how to come out of it.

Please, no one throw me the "Be patient he's out there" or "you have to be the right one to get the right one" speeches. He may not be out there. There may never be a right one. There may never be children.
That thought angers me, scares me, tires me, and makes me want to scream.

Reflection should not have been the word for the day.

I've never been sad about a birthday. I generally love my birthdays. Maybe it's because this one follows a cancelled wedding and the near disappearance of my social cirlce. Who knows. Either way, I kinda wish I'd slept through it. (Just today. Not the wonderful time Friday night.)

In other news, Gracie can sit, lay down, come, shake hands, and sit up on command. Stitches are out, incisions healed nicely, she did great at the second round of boosters, and I failed miserably already at the no Dr. Pepper thing.

I finally adopted a puppy after months of looking! Here's my beautiful girl, Gracie. As cute as she is in this picture, it doesn't begin to do her justice. She has the most beautiful green eyes, and she's a smooth-coated chihuahua/border collie mix. I know - she'll be crazy active! I went looking for a lab puppy, but one look at this little baby and my heart melted. She loves to snuggle, seems to be ok with big dogs, and is the most intelligent girl ever. She's potty trained already, knows how to "sit," "bring me your toy," "drop it," and "go to kennel." She's 10 weeks old and completely perfect. She's not the breed I was looking for - I went to the pound that day hoping for a male yellow lab. Instead, I took one look at this girl and fell in love. She's recovering from surgery now. In addition to being spayed, she had a hernia the size of a baseball that had to be fixed. She's supposed to stay crated for a total of three weeks, and that's been very hard. I can't wait until she's all better and big enough to go to the dog park and run. She loves her toys, and I look forward to being able to throw frisbees to her and take her to obedience classes. She meets Bailey and Sam pretty soon... curious to see how she likes my other babies!

It's my turn - 101 in 1001

Stole some of these from MelindaJ because she finished writing her list before me... even though I started 2 months ago.

not yet... but soon.
in progress
finished!

1. Take a cake decorating class.
2. Take a flower arranging class.
3. Except for student loans, get out of debt.
4. Go a full month without Dr. Pepper.
5. Go to bed before midnight 4 days of every week for three months.
6. Lose the weight.
7. Get a dog. (brought Gracie home 3/12/10)
8. Take Gracie to obedience classes.
9. Work on my novel every day for 2 months, even if I only get out 50 words.
10. Read the Bible cover to cover.
11. Get a passport.
12. Tie a note to a balloon and let it go.
13. Bring my lunch to work 100 times – (5/100)
14. Build an emergency fund of $1,000.
15. Open a checking account.
16. Finish writing this freaking list. 3/21/10
17. Lead my Gracie through the Canine Good Citizen Test.
18. Walk "across Tennessee" (0/432 miles)
19. Pay for the person behind me in the drive-thru
20. Tithe for 3 straight months.
21. Meet 5 old friends I've reconnected with on Facebook but haven't seen since high school for lunch. (0/5)
22. Send 50 Christmas cards
23. Get a new car.
24. No pizza for 3 months. (Starting 3/9/10.)
25. Take 10 one day breaks from the internet. Work sites at work don't count. (2/10)
26. Host a dinner party.
27. Keep room clean for a month.
28. Forgive Joey. For real this time.
29. Mail in a secret to Post Secret
30. Use my whole tanning package in a short enough time that I actually get a tan.
31. Go to the zoo without children and see ALL the animals.
32. Pay my phone bill on time for 6 months.
33. Print & frame a picture that I took.
34. Finally buy some Chanel No. 5.
35. Save $500 to take on my trip... not including hotel and airfare.
36. Learn to make Irish soda bread.
37. Learn to make zucchini bread.
38. Go to New Orleans with MelindaJ.
39. Acheive leading at work for 3 months.
40. Go on a trip with my mom.
41. Bake/cook something for my neighbors.
42. Bake cookies for the girls in the office.
43. Travel to 5 states I've never been to before.
44. Attend the symphony.
45. Try 10 new restaurants.
46. Walk a 5K.
47. Go to a wine tasting.
48. Go to the Renaissance Fair.
49. Get a massage. (3/28)
50. Go on a mission trip.
51. Go to church every Sunday for 5 months (unless ill.)
52. Go to Sunday school every week for 3 months.
53. Crochet a baby blanket.
54. Go to Omega Phi Alpha Convention
55. Go to 3 plays. (0/3)
56. Go back to school.
57. Get my teeth fixed.
58. Send a package to Mason.
59.Send a package to Tyler.
60. Send a package to Mallie.
61. Send a package to Sydney.
62. Finish laundry every week for 2 months.
63. Set a budget and adhere closely to it for 3 months, starting 3/19.
64. Paint again - a three panel painting for over the bed.
65. Have Mallie over for the weekend.
66. Build a better relationship with my sister-in-law.
67. Go see Grandmother every two weeks for 6 months.
68. Send flowers to someone.
69. Send Jacob Marler something cool.
70. Write my politicians to ask them to vote against the President's health care plan. 3/18/10
71. Yoga video every other day for three months.
72. Other workout video every other day for three months.
73. Read 5 nonfiction books.
74. Go through Financial Peace and go to each session.
75. Finish Beth Moore David study.
76. Write 5 letters and include either mom's chicken casserole recipe, the spiced apple cider recipe or Mema's sugar cookie recipe.
77. Order flags for G, B and D.
78. Jog for 20 minutes straight.
79. Drink 5 glasses of water a day for 3 weeks.
80. Plant a tree.
81. Take snack to Gabe's pack.
82. Buy 3 daring accessories and actually wear them.
83. Make a grocery list and shop from ONLY that list 5 times. (1/5)
84. Cut out coupons and actually USE them for above shopping trips.
85. Keep car clean for 6 weeks.
86. Invite Mom and Dad over for dinner once a month.
87. Take one week off from Twitter, including updates from my phone.
88. Take one week off from Facebook, including updates from my phone.
89. Purchase a piece of furniture - real furniture, not installation-required bookshelves from Target.
90. Use passport.
91. Invest in an awesome pair of black shoes.
92. Find an amazing recipe in Southern Living and perfect it.
93. Put all the recipes I clip from magazines in a binder.
94. Reupholster Mema's vanity chair.
95. Work 50 hours in a charity.
96. Decide what sort of nonprofit organization I want to start and research.
97. Take a photography class.
98. Take a ballroom dancing class.
99. Finally hang the lantern I bought 2 years ago.
100. Buy an outfit that fits at White House Black Market.
101. Make a new friend.

How to open a bottle of wine... or why you should never buy a cheap corkscrew.

Moved into the new apartment today and decided to "celebrate" by having a glass of wine at home, which I was unable to do in the house. Picked up some dinner from O'Charleys, bought some flowers, lit a candle, put on some Bach, and got out my brand new (cheap) corkscrew to open the cabernet I bought for the occasion. Corkscrew went in easily, and then broke off in the cork. Not good. At least I could look at the bottle of wine and enjoy the fact that it was in the apartment.

Then I remembered what a former roommate and I did once in this situation, but since I don't have a hammer, I knocked the neck of the bottle off with a can opener.

Mmmm. That's a good cab.

About the date that went so well...

He told me halfway through dinner that he wanted to see me again.
He has since changed his mind and cancelled. Evidently not a winner.

But hey, at least I don't have to drive to Nashville.

Reporting in...

Ok, fans. (Or should I say roommates, since that's who reads my blog?)

Last night was first date number 8,793. Well, not that many but it feels like it. I rambled. I shred my coaster. (Had a cloth napkin, so the coaster suffered my nerves. He noticed the nerves, offered me a drink. Yes, thank you. That was a good merlot.)

I promised myself a Dr. Pepper for every five minutes he was late. (They're always late. I don't think they can help it... I think it's in men's natures to be late. So I made it a game.)

So at dinner I drank two Dr. Peppers. But, he called to let me know he'd be late.
He showed up with a flower. And he gave me a mixed cd. And he paid for coffee... and dinner... and more coffee.

He emails. He actually picks up the phone and calls. And here I was beginning to think that men are limited to communicating through text messages, (or not at all,) unless it's my father.

I almost didn't go, for no other reason other than I was nervous. Glad I went. Quite glad that I went. It's been a long time since a date was just straight up fun, with no pressure, no confusion, no stress, and no real work for me. Yes, I know that relationships are work. But a first date shouldn't be. It should be easy, light, fun, enjoyable, and a tiny bit awkward... and it was all those things.

And let's be serious for a minute. I would've drank those two Dr. Peppers anyway.

Things I know, and things I don't.

I know that I won't be living here much longer.
I don't know where I'm moving to yet.

I know that I'm going to be an aunt again.
I don't know if I'll ever even get to meet my niece or nephew.

I know I'm getting a pedicure tomorrow.
I don't know if I'm getting "Hey look at me!" red or "I'll just hide over here..." pink.

I know that my roommate and one of my best friends is getting married in 2 days.
I don't know how I'm going to make it through the wedding without sobbing like a little girl.

I know that everything is a struggle right now, from my family to my job to my friends to my finances, to my relationship with God.
I don't know why I just can't seem to make myself struggle, why it feels like I've given up.

I know that I should give up Dr. Pepper.
I don't know how on earth that I forgot until right now that I have one in the fridge.

I know that I'm about to go drink said Dr. Pepper.
I don't know that I'll ever actually give it up.

I know that one guy's calling me, another guy is in almost constant contact, and another has slowly faded out of the picture.
I don't know why the one won't just get it together. It's been 8 years, kid.

I know that I'm tired of not belonging to anyone, not being anyone's priority.
I don't know why I can't make it past the fear or just plain out exhaustion to take the steps to being someone's priority.

I know I need sleep.
I don't know why I'm not asleep right now.