Last night I spent hours talking to T about things that we're currently going through in our walks with the Lord and our relationships with others, and so much that I've been dealing with has finally been put into words although barely any of it makes sense to me. We've talked many times over the years about the "perceiver" gift that both her husband, R, and I share, but it's coming out in ways right now that I don't necessarily know how to respond to all the time. God nudging me to pray for someone? Got it. God nudging me to encourage someone? Got it. That someone being a single man that I don't have a close personal friendship with? WHOA baby. Tread carefully. Or not at all. How to proceed with any sort of propriety, with no underlying motive, with no appearance of anything selfish? I have no idea. So I've remained quiet. I notice, I wonder, I pray, and I keep quiet because I don't know what to say.
Today I was walking through B&N looking at the Denise Hunter books. (Another writer of Christian chick-lit that I always expect to be light and fluffy, but instead is using a relationship to show aspects of God's love for us. She's not light and fluffy. She's entertaining, funny, touching, and has a gift for using an approachable genre to teach spiritual truths.) My favorite author of this genre is Denise Hildreth, who is to blame for my somewhat recent vacation to Savannah, Georgia. While walking around with my triple grande nonfat caramel latte, light whip please, I felt God nudging me to pray for Denise Hildreth, so I did. I used to be accustomed to these nudgings, but they'd been gone a while... probably because God knew that He couldn't trust me to actually pray when He told me to.
Tomorrow I'm going to pick out yarn. There is an incredibly sweet little lady at church that I need to make a scarf for. I don't know why she needs a scarf, but she does.
This is what I mean by having a hard time reconciling things with me right now: I want to get married sometime. I want children. The only people that I really want to be around are married couples, old women that I go to church with that have no idea who I am, and books. And I want new dining room chairs so that I can have the pastor and his wife over for dinner without worrying that the chair will disentigrate from underneath them.
I've also come into contact with so many old friends, which has been wonderful. What's crazy to me is that all the people that I keep connecting with are people that I've always considered as being superior to me somehow, but the needs that I'm sensing are similar and I feel there's a reason that we're reconnecting. Why would God use me to touch any of their lives? Why would He use me at all? I am inferior, unworthy, broken, splintered, confused and feel more than a little overwhelmed and lost.
I so struggle with practical things that I always feel that "real" grown ups have under control. Good example - I'm still up and I have to be at work at 6 a.m. I swear I fight sleep like a 2 year old at naptime that has a No-Doz addiction.
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Why would He use you? because you are inferior, unworthy, broken, splintered, confused and feel more than a little overwhelmed and lost.
ReplyDeleteThat means all that you accomplish can only be shown as His glory.