6 days until December 4th.
6 days until what would have been my wedding.
6 days until it will no longer be looming in the future, begging me to wonder "what if."
6 days until I for sure stop receiving emails from wedding vendors shoving their services down my throat.
6 days until Joey will no longer be connected to any future date in my life.
They ground our initials off of the vase I made for our wedding. It was a horrible, screeching sound that was an oddly satisfying mix sadness, peace, and jubilation.
I painted over it. There's a very obvious mark where our intials were painted, ground away and painted over, but that seems only appropriate. I can no more erase that mark from existence than I can erase every mark on my heart and mind that he left. I so wish I could. I wish that whenever he came to mind it didn't cause a twinge - whether or sadness, anger, or anything else.
I wish I could keep every benefit of our relationship (the friendships I made through him) while forgetting he exists.
I am sad, but I'm ok. I'm not sad over Joey as much as I'm sad for the way that he made me feel broken and defective - again.If you talk to me about weddings between now and then, you do so at your own peril.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Girls' Night In... keeping it for posterity.
So, my roommates (Rubyred and MelindaJ) and I typically hang out on Monday nights. Increasingly, our nights together have invovled sci-fi in some way. Here is our Facebook summary of the evening's activities.
Andrea Fisher Christian Bale, Gerard Butler, and Matthew McConaughey, all in one movie. A favorite actor for each roommate. Oh, and dragons. Don't forget the dragons. Good times!
Patty Collins likes this.
Crystal Stone
You mean, favorite naked chest, favorite actor and favorite accent, right? I'll let you play mix and match with roommate and descriptive term.
Joy Kaczmarek
I = Gerard Butler +all three descriptions.
Crystal Stone
Matthew McConaughey, one of the three... he's no Will Smith, but Will and I do have an open relationship. Oh, and I guess I get Christian Bale too since you're engaged.
Crystal Stone
Who's your favorite MW?
Andrea Fisher
I'm sorry to say it, Crystal, but your man's voice doesn't match his bad boy vibe in this movie.
Crystal Stone
Oh Matthew. Lose the beard, grow back the hair. Continue to talk please.
Joy Kaczmarek
meh... why listen to southern when you can listen to SCOTTISH!!!!!
Andrea Fisher
Ok, I do agree with Joy on this one. But I do still prefer a man who can sing, dance, and wear a newsboy cap or bat cape with equal panache.
Crystal Stone
Hey, they're not talking at the same time. Neither is detracting from the enjoyment of the other.
Crystal Stone
Mama can keep the bad boy in line.
Joy Kaczmarek
so, Andrea... can Daniel sing, dance, and wear a newsboy cap or a bat cape with equal panache??
Crystal Stone
Top hat and cane, girls. Top hat and cane.
Andrea Fisher
He can sing and dance and always has panache. I don't know about the accessories.
Joy Kaczmarek
hhmmm....
Crystal Stone
After all, Miss, this is France.
Andrea Fisher
Oh no! A dragon just flew by!
Crystal Stone
Don't worry. My man will kill it.
Tina Rorabaugh
LOL! Oh my Crystal I am getting more and more worried about this Will Smith issue. ;) Hmmm all my single ladies, I love ya!
Joy Kaczmarek
I can't help it if Gerard is o-so-dreamy!!!
Crystal Stone
Hey, gotta be open relationship. If he liked it he shoulda put a ring on it. He just put one on Jada first.
Andrea Fisher
Tina, Tina, I'm gonna let you finish ... really, I am ... but I just gotta say ... the best video of ALL TIME!
Crystal Stone
Stupid Kanye.
Joy Kaczmarek
22 comments to Kanye. We could have done better then that, ladies!
Andrea Fisher
Go, Christian, Go! You've got 30 seconds!
Crystal Stone
Way to kill the party sweetie. Need a backrub?
Daniel Brame
I would, in fact, wear a cape... why? Because I'm ... Batman...
Crystal Stone
Awww they're fighting over me.
Andrea Fisher
Well, look! I got the newsboy cap covered. :)
Joy Kaczmarek
we didn't ask if YOU could wear a newsboy cap with panache...
Crystal Stone
Please, Daniel, post a picture of yourself with a newsboy cap. And a cape, please. The cape is quite important.
Crystal Stone
woh oh oh, ohohoh, woh oh oh, woh oh oh oh.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Runaway train...
...of thought.
Maggie Moo's is gone. It used to be just down the street from work, but it's gone. Not that I ever went there - I forgot about it. That little shopping center is in such an odd location. Even when I was planning the wedding that won't happen I never went to the bridal shop over there and I went to every bridal shop in Murfreesboro, or at least attempted to.
Location, location, location, I thought to myself as I drove by it yesterday. Location is such a big factor in the decision for a new business.
Then I thought about how often I've made decisions about lunch or dinner based on what side of the interstate that it was on, whether or not I'd have to turn left without a light on to a major highway when I leave the restaurant, and whether or not they're near that intersection that I detest.
The I went on to think about how I make decisions in general. Yes, there are many decisions that I make based on my belief in Christ, but it's less about what would please the One who loves me than it's about what would fulfill all the rules that I've memorized as though I'm checking off a list. Other decisions are based on what I want, what I feel I deserve, what I feel like doing, what I prefer, what I think is best, what I think is easiest, what I, what I, what I. Whose approval am I seeking? Who am I trying to impress?
Legalistic, imaginary checklists. Complete and utter selfishness. Seeking approval from men and women. Trying to impress men and women. This is how I make decisions in general. And typically, my decisions have failed in many ways, and I never get done all that I know needs to be done. Mainly because I don't feel like doing it so I decide to do what I DO feel like doing.
Who am I deciding is more worthy of being pleased than the Lover of my soul? Apparently myself and every other created being. That the first decision that I'm reworking.
Maggie Moo's is gone. It used to be just down the street from work, but it's gone. Not that I ever went there - I forgot about it. That little shopping center is in such an odd location. Even when I was planning the wedding that won't happen I never went to the bridal shop over there and I went to every bridal shop in Murfreesboro, or at least attempted to.
Location, location, location, I thought to myself as I drove by it yesterday. Location is such a big factor in the decision for a new business.
Then I thought about how often I've made decisions about lunch or dinner based on what side of the interstate that it was on, whether or not I'd have to turn left without a light on to a major highway when I leave the restaurant, and whether or not they're near that intersection that I detest.
The I went on to think about how I make decisions in general. Yes, there are many decisions that I make based on my belief in Christ, but it's less about what would please the One who loves me than it's about what would fulfill all the rules that I've memorized as though I'm checking off a list. Other decisions are based on what I want, what I feel I deserve, what I feel like doing, what I prefer, what I think is best, what I think is easiest, what I, what I, what I. Whose approval am I seeking? Who am I trying to impress?
Legalistic, imaginary checklists. Complete and utter selfishness. Seeking approval from men and women. Trying to impress men and women. This is how I make decisions in general. And typically, my decisions have failed in many ways, and I never get done all that I know needs to be done. Mainly because I don't feel like doing it so I decide to do what I DO feel like doing.
Who am I deciding is more worthy of being pleased than the Lover of my soul? Apparently myself and every other created being. That the first decision that I'm reworking.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Change. Grr,
If you know me, you know I'm not a huge fan of change. In some things, I know it has to happen. That doesn't mean that I have to like it.
1. Hair dressers. I still haven't found one that I love like I loved Renee. I haven't been to Renee since I was 19, but I have been to an endless parade of hair dressers over the years that I've been disappointed with. Harmony, although fabulous, is definitely a special occasion hairdresser. I can't afford her too often.
2. Restaurant menus. Stupid J.J. Bring back my Lobster Bisque.
3. Moving and roommates. I move A LOT.
4. BARISTAS. There was one precious, precious girl at the old Starbucks that I loved. If she was working, she would see me come in and start making my drink. If the tall not nice girl was there, I'd turn around and walk out. I don't have a new favorite barista, but I definitely have a new least favorite. Chris, you will never make my latte again.
1. Hair dressers. I still haven't found one that I love like I loved Renee. I haven't been to Renee since I was 19, but I have been to an endless parade of hair dressers over the years that I've been disappointed with. Harmony, although fabulous, is definitely a special occasion hairdresser. I can't afford her too often.
2. Restaurant menus. Stupid J.J. Bring back my Lobster Bisque.
3. Moving and roommates. I move A LOT.
4. BARISTAS. There was one precious, precious girl at the old Starbucks that I loved. If she was working, she would see me come in and start making my drink. If the tall not nice girl was there, I'd turn around and walk out. I don't have a new favorite barista, but I definitely have a new least favorite. Chris, you will never make my latte again.
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